I Can't Get That Mr Clean Song Out Of My Head

It's always fun to laugh at the expense of others. Knowing this, I have spent my days trying to come in under the radar in every social situation. If most people like to make fun of others only half as much as I do, I am in constant danger of humiliation. I wear my clothing neither too tight nor too loose. I keep my mouth shut unless I know exactly what I'm talking about and have considered the implications and possible make-fun-of-edness of my statement and/or question. I check my nose for possible hangers-on like an OCD patient on crank. I hold in my gas in public like my heart will stop beating if I release it, even at the expense of horrific abdominal pain. And I gave my children names that are somewhat unique, but not so much as to be ridiculed. Not everyone subscribes to my philosophy, though. On the contrary, people these days have a tendency to name their children after automobiles and funny sounds more often than after good old, sweet uncle Harless. Not only that, some women will keep their embarrassingly stupid names when they marry and even hyphenate them with other, sometimes stupider names. It's amazing the things that can be a source of pride for people. But, I digress. I'll just list some funny names I came across over the last couple of weeks. Enjoy!

From Wichita, KS, an Irish auction site or the latest purchase of the McDonalds company? Demetria McGhee-Bey (say it real fast).
Roberto Bastardo – fatherless Mexicano of Muleshoe, TX.
Emory Necessary – if you have really jagged fingernails in Moundsville, WV.
Arthur Kleen – possible bathroom cleaner manufacturer from Nevada, MO.
Maria Abu-Rub – owner of a new prisoner-of-war camp in League City, TX.
Michael Livengood – Roanoke, TX. How you livin'?
Harry Barber – Covington, TX. I have nothing to add.

War is Hell

First of all, that goofy freshman congresswoman Jean Schmidt DIDN'T call John Murtha a coward, and the silly wench should not have retracted her statement. Her mistake was thinking that she could make such a statement and it would be OK; she should have known how it would go over. Second of all, I know Marines, I'm related to Marines, and she was right; they would rather die than run. Third, I am proud to be a citizen of the same country as John Murtha and I hope that in the end, my life was worth the sacrifice that he made as a Marine. But the man has been blinded by politics.

In response to John Murtha's request for a quick pullout of US troops in Iraq, representative Sam Johnson said, "When I was a POW, I was scared to death when our Congress talked about pulling the plug, that I would be left there forever. I know what it does to morale, I know what it does to the mission, and so help me God, I will never, ever let our nation make that mistake again."

I tend to agree with Representative Johnson, though not blindly. It occurs to me that it has been over 4 years since the attack on the WTC, and there hasn't been one attack on US soil since. It also occurs to me that "insurgent" attacks in Iraq are targeting mostly Iraqis, not US soldiers. It also occurs to me that the number of soldiers that have died in Iraq since the beginning of the war is less by over a third than the number of civilians that died in the WTC attacks. So, can someone please tell me how the war in Iraq is such a massive failure?

My latest issue of The Atlantic magazine has an article that says that if we leave now, the "insurgency" will end. What a nice little Utopia the writer of the article lives in. He's got it all figured out and if we would just listen to him, everything would be OK. It's not an insurgency, people. IT'S NOT AN INSURGENCY. Believe whatever media crap you want to believe, but the word insurgency puts a very pretty face on it as far as I'm concerned. It's terrorism - period. We need to start calling it what it is. It's wanna-be despots trying to rule by fear just like their hero Saddam. It's what made Saddam rich and, more importantly, powerful. And those two things are more attractive to these "religious" terrorists than anything. You can't deal with terrorists through diplomacy. You're telling me that "insurgents" are killing Iraqis because they want the US to leave? What kind of stupid reasoning is that? Stupid people can't elude one of the best militaries on earth; al-Zarqawi and his ilk aren't stupid – don't deceive yourself. The people who reason that he is an insurgent are stupid. What's going on in Iraq is much bigger than we are lead to believe and it will get much bigger and much messier if the "occupiers" leave.

Diplomacy is dead in the Middle East. It died the day Mohammed got stoned and dehydrated in the desert and started talking to demons. No Muslim country is going to deal diplomatically with a non-Muslim country because Mohammed didn't mince words with regard to people like me. He was very clear that all infidels should die. See, Muslims believe that we are born Muslim, so those who aren't Muslims as adults have at some point rejected Allah, thus becoming infidels. They don't want to convert us, they want to kill us. The Muslim countries that we consider friends are after the same thing everyone else is after – MONEY. The US has lots of it, and they would rather kill us slowly by taking as much of it as they can while they can. But the goal is the same.

One thing is very clear about Iraq: In large part, the focus of Islamist terrorism has been shifted from the citizens of the United States to Iraq, thousands of miles away. Does that bode well for our armed forces? Absolutely not. But there's no draft right now. They are well aware what they signed up for, and the ones I have talked to are more than happy to fight for their country. And frankly, that's exactly what they're doing. Liberals can call it what they want, but if the administration had ulterior motives for the war, please tell me what those motives are. The president lied, right? He twisted the intelligence to deceive congress into approving the war, didn't he? BUT WHY? Please tell me why! You say he did it to help his buddies over at Halliburton? Please get a life. Or just die already. If you really believe that, don't worry about being ashamed of yourself because I'm ashamed for you. If you really believe Bush sent soldiers to war for money, you are truly a disgusting human being. If you can fathom such evil, I have reason to believe you are capable of worse.

Virgin Poetry Part Deux

I finally found the link to BigC's website. Sorry about that. Please check this guy out; he's hilarious.

IslamaBAD - Queer as Allah

Below is a snippet from a book called The Sword of the Prophet: A Politically-Incorrect Guide to Islam by Serge Trifkovic. I know it's long, but it is SO worth the time…you have no idea.

In Moslem nations, the suppression of liaison between men and women outside prearranged wedlock has produced frustrated sexual tension that has sought and found release in homosexual intercourse through the centuries. Those denied access to licit sexuality have sought and obtained outlets that have produced chronic contradiction between normative morality and social realities. Male and female prostitution and same-sex practices — including abuse of young boys by their older male relatives — have been rampant in Islamic societies from the medieval to the modern period. It should be emphasized that those societies stress a distinction between the sexual act itself, which was deemed acceptable, and emotional attachment, which was unpardonable:
“Sexual relations in Middle Eastern societies have historically articulated social hierarchies, that is, dominant and subordinate social positions: adult men on top; women, boys and slaves below.”
A Moslem who is the active partner in sexual relations with other men is not considered a “homosexual” (the word has no pre-modern Arabic equivalent); quite the contrary, his sexual domination of another man may even confer a status of hyper-masculinity. He may use other men as substitutes for women, and at the same time have great contempt for them. This depraved view of sex, common in mainstream Moslem societies, is commonly found in the West only in prisons. In all cases it is the presence of love, affection, or equality among sexual partners that is intolerable. Equality in sexual relations is unimaginable in Islam, whether heterosexual or homosexual. Sex in Islamic societies has never been about mutuality between partners, but about the adult male’s achievement of pleasure through domination.
Historically, this state of affairs was not concealed from Western observers who were fascinated, shocked, and often attracted by the outward appearances of rampant, barely concealed pederasty. By 1800, a European traveler to Egypt wrote:
“The inconceivable inclination which has dishonored the Greeks and Persians of antiquity constitutes the delight, or, more properly speaking the infamy of the Egyptians ... the contagion has seized the poor as well as the rich.”
The “contagion” in question was spelled out more bluntly by an earlier writer, Thomas Sherley, describing the Turks:
“For their Sodommerye they use it soe publiquely and impudentlye as an honest Christian woulde shame to companye his wyffe as they do with their buggeringe boys.”
A 17th century French visitor to the Middle East went so far as to claim that Moslems were bisexual by nature, and many male authors gave descriptions of “licentiousness” (lesbianism) among women in harems and bath houses. Homosexuality became known to the English as the “Persian” or “Turkish” vice.
This peculiar aspect of the Middle East has never entirely disappeared. The sight of men, even soldiers in uniform, strolling along a street hand in hand, strikes first-time visitors as extraordinary even today. The Moslem world enjoyed a reputation as a haven for sex with boys and men well into the twentieth century. The proclivities of many Western authors like Gustave Flaubert, Oscar Wilde, or Andre Gide, reflected the pederast and homosexual attractions of the Islamic world; the fascination continues in the “gay culture” of our own time:
But the bottom line - and it’s coming from a devout bottom - is that there’s still something extremely sensual and potent about the image of the Islamic male. You only have to compare the stiff, asexual frigidity of Bush and his bookmarmish wife with the moist-eyed, sensitive and soft-spoken quality of the bearded Bin Laden, feminine yet virile, with his multiple wives and vast progeny, to grasp the difference.
The author of this passage, a self-confessed promiscuous homosexual, has intuited something important, and dangerous. Excessively doting, downtrodden mothers fixated on their offspring, and aloof, mostly distant and domineering fathers, create preconditions for what is known in clinical psychology as the “lost object homosexuality,” as opposed to the pre-Oedipal polyformous homosexuality, which is “love for men.” The cry for the missing father, that emanates across the Moslem world into the endless void from a hundred thousand minarets five times each day, can never be answered. The hatred that motivates Bin Laden and his “feminine yet virile” followers is not the normal aggressiveness of the child for the father at the Oedipal stage, which can be mediated and managed, but hard-core psychotic homosexuality of the son abandoned by his father, a near-incurable condition that can lead to homicidal, delusional paranoia.
This condition is well known to the practitioners of clinical psychology and psychoanalysis in Great Britain, where thousands of sons of upper and upper-middle-class families end up in neo-Islamic establishments known as Public Schools. It is not too far-fetched to conclude that British Islamophilia under Disraeli and after was not merely due to the usual game of balancing the powers:
“I sometimes wonder if there is not some horrifying attraction, especially for English boys brought up in a public school, to the brutal manliness that regards sodomitic rape as an expression of virility. In any event, a series of Anglo-Saxon males who have gone in search of their manhood found it in Islamic culture: Sir Richard Burton, T.E. Lawrence, and Pasha Club are at the head of a large pack, whose rear is brought up by the academic camp-followers and foundation executives who find, in their defense of Islam, the excuse for their hatred of Jews.”
Men and women have been created different, and the recognition of those differences is essential in any society that does not want to follow the path of post-modern depravity. The denial of that difference is essential in the Faustian experiment to which the West is subjecting itself, and those who do not wish to partake in the proceedings may find Islam’s frank admission of difference between sexes alluring; but that is the lure of dementia as the cure for cancer. Islam has found the opposite extreme of the modern West’s bed-hopping unisex feminism, and has found it equally a source of opposite, though equally poisonous, pathologies. The traditional Western view, a balance between sexual equality and sexual difference, between freedom and restraint, is the best answer. Islam’s problem of homosexuality, a reflection of the deeper psychosis endemic to the Islamic world view, illustrates a problem that cannot be solved short of Islam’s thorough and comprehensive reform and revision.

So, Michael Jackson gets caught in a woman's restroom in Dubai this week adjusting his make-up. A blogger by the name of Patrick Joubert Conlon points out on his site that Bahrain is a great place to go if you want to have sex with hot, young twinks without getting into trouble. Michael Jackson now resides in Bahrain. Bahrain also has laws against extradition. And that seals it for me. I have often wondered about MJ's bedroom activities and whether it was all a bunch of bs from the parents of these kids wanting some of his riches. But now the answer is very clear in my mind.
Damn, am I the only person who had no idea that pederasty was so acceptable in Islamic culture? That's the last place in the world I'd have thought man-boy love was acceptable. On the contrary, I have often admired the Arab's freedom among men to show affection to one another without the stigma of gayness. Little did I know how far that affection goes. Funny thing – Howard Stern has said multiple times that if we sent strippers and porn to Muslim countries, they wouldn't be so pissed off all the time. Holy crap, that sonofabitch may be on to something.

Poetry of a Virgin

You absolutely MUST see BigC's blog. This is some of the best (worst?) poetry I have ever seen.

Answer him, Marco! He needs to know! What will be the future with Tanya?!

Cooing Banned in England

From the BBC News 09/26/2005:

In September, to preserve "respect and dignity" for newborns, the neonatal unit of Calderdale Royal Hospital in Halifax, England, officially banned visitors' "cooing" at infants. Said hospital official Debbie Lawson, "Cooing should be a thing of the past because these are little people with the same rights as you or me." To illustrate the rule, officials displayed a doll holding a sign reading: "What makes you think I want to be looked at?"

So, now babies are requesting neglect. What makes me think they want to be looked at? Maybe it's the fact that I know that babies literally think the world revolves around them. Maybe it's the whole babies like attention thing. Maybe it's that infants thrive on human presence, especially when said human's attentions are focused on the infant. All of these are scientific facts, but God forbid science should take precedence over the mythical "rights" of infants. Wade, I want to apologize in advance for what I'm about to write:

ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME?

Here's an idea: How about maybe putting up curtains? Tint, maybe? Perhaps taking the glass out altogether and building a solid wall? I realize those suggestions make way too much sense and don't allow for the lawsuits and such, but I am a hopeless sense-maker. Besides, the kids will need something to blame their obstinacies on when they reach the age of consent.

"God is Evil" says Pat Robertson. Christians Send Money in Agreement.

Dover, Pennsylvania voters spanked their school board and sent them to their rooms this week citing the board's acceptance of intelligent design curriculum. A completely new board has been elected; the people have spoken, blah, blah, blah. TV businesspreacher Pat Robertson has some things to say about that. Against all odds, a show called The 700 Club is still on the air in spite of the insane ramblings of its host. For instance, last summer this opponent of abortion called for the assassination of Venezuela's nutty-as-a-Korean-dictator president. "Save the little ones! Kill the big ones!" This week, he advised the "good citizens" (his words) of Dover, PA to avoid calling for God's help when the natural disasters start. His quote:

“I‘d like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don‘t turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city… And don‘t wonder why He hasn‘t helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I‘m not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that‘s the case, don‘t ask for His help because he might not be there.”

Google Maps tells me that Dover is northwest of York not far from the Maryland state line to the south. It's at least a couple hundred miles west of the Atlantic. I suppose there could be an earthquake or maybe a massive tsunami – tornado maybe? A previously unknown volcano rising like a phoenix from the floor of the Atlantic, somehow missing all the 200 miles of population between it and Dover? Maybe God will ask the pastor for ideas on how to destroy the evil hamlet; that Gomorrah of the eastern seaboard that kicked the almighty, omnipresent God out of its borders. What a weak little god you serve, Pat Robertson; his self-esteem is so easily damaged.

Speaking of tsunami, Pastor Robertson also said that the catastrophe that killed a hundred thousand people in Asia last December was sent by God to punish the evil Muslims over there. So apparently Jesus died in vain. Apparently, Robertson's god is a vindictive god, a horrible murderous god that searches the earth looking for whom he might devour - what he might steal, kill, and destroy. Oh, but wait a minute - that's the biblical description of the devil. That's the Judeo-Christian idea of the exact opposite of God, and yet the good Pastor Pat accepts it as a gospel description of whom he serves and worships. Hmmm…I wonder if Robertson sacrifices babies and virgins on the equinoxes, too.

If Pat Robertson wants to be like his god and strives to take on those characteristics, then we can assume that he is a murderer, a temper-tantrum-throwing child, easily manipulated and with retard-strength. We can assume that he has low self-esteem, that he is vindictive and constantly angry, and that he is filled with loathing for anyone and everyone that doesn't espouse his exact opinions. Honestly, does any non-believer want to be like Pat Robertson? He is an evangelical, and yet the hallmark of evangelism is a life lived in such a way that others long to emulate it. Finding that they can't, they seek God's assistance and discover that He can give them the ability to live such a life. But no one wants to be like Pat Robertson. No one wants to serve his god. Who the hell wants to be ruled by a big, powerful baby, especially if you have a choice in the matter?

Interestingly, the Bible says that God is love. Chambers defines love as affection, fondness, charity; the mere pleasure of playing, without stakes. The commonly used Greek word in the Bible is agape, which means selfless love. You've heard the word in tennis; it means there's no score. Love doesn't keep score. The Bible says that love doesn't keep a record of wrongs done. How unfortunate that Pat Robertson thinks he's serving the God of the Bible, but he's actually advancing the cause of the devil - finding a way to make people believe that God is somehow evil, vindictive, and not worth bothering with. Way to go, Pat. Rock on. You just go right on collecting those Social Security checks and advancing the cause of Christian anarchy against the government. Ass.

We Want 'Em Gone!

There are a few things most people don't know about the new marriage amendment in the Texas constitution. Here's the wording from the state's website:

"The constitutional amendment providing that marriage in this state consists only of the union of one man and one woman and prohibiting this state or a political subdivision of this state from creating or recognizing any legal status identical or similar to marriage."

This means that common-law marriage is a thing of the past. This means that gays who may have had no desire to get married and spent thousands of dollars on legal documents giving each other certain rights have spent those dollars in vain. This means that companies that grant same-sex partner benefits may now have to stop doing so in order to comply with state law. If you think that's a joke, it's happened in Michigan, one of the 19 states that has passed a constitutional ban on gay marriage. How do I know this? My company is based in Michigan and offers same-sex partner benefits.

It's one thing to take away the rights of gays to call themselves married and realize the legal benefits of such, but to retroactively deny them the right to establish legal methods giving each other the right to make decisions for each other is a travesty of justice. If a gay man paid a lawyer to write up a power of attorney, living will, will, etc, then how the hell can the law make those documents invalid? But that's exactly what's happening with proposition 2 because that would be construed as a "…legal status identical or similar to marriage." So, even the rights gays DID have prior to the amendment, they now no longer have. And those of you who live together and have established common-law marriage? Not anymore! Now, you have no choice. Get married (and eventually divorced) or suffer the consequences of the new law.

Check this out: You've been living with a woman for 14 years and you haven't spoken to your mom in 20 years. You die in a car accident. The house you and your lady bought in only your name because of her bad credit? It now belongs to mom. The girlfriend has to go.

A gay man and his partner purchase a house together. One of them dies of heart disease at an early age. The remaining partner has to now sell the house and split the money with his partner's surviving relatives even if there was a will. Why? Because in probate, a judge could decide that the will itself constituted an arrangement similar to marriage.

A gay man whose partner has recently died calls in to my office to find out how much said partner owes on his car so he can pay it off. We can't give him the info. "It's OK!" he says. "I have a power of attorney." So we give him the info and later, a judge rules that the POA is invalid because it consituted an arrangement similar to marriage. The dead guy's family now has the right to sue us for releasing sensitive info to a third party, thereby providing him with the means to pay the car in full and abscond with it.

Judges in the state of Texas are not required to consider legislative intent when ruling on constitutional law. That means that 100 judges could have 100 different rulings on the same snippet of the constitution. So we should see all kinds of mess from this amendment in the future. It'll be fun.

Yup, this is what Texans wanted. Let's legislate all those sinners the hell out of here. I told a gay friend of mine yesterday to move to Vermont. There's nothing for him here.

Thoughts From the Mind of Mitch

I was lounging around last night waiting for clothes to dry watching Matrix: Reloaded. Yes, reloaded. As in, here’s a gargantuan pile of turd, let's reload the 50 millimeter shit cannon and blast it at paying customers. But the movie is a train wreck, so I have to watch it. TBS is doing this thing where they are "separating the funny from the unfunny" and they're doing some stupid show where they have all these "funny" people telling you what's funny (if I say funny again shoot me). Leonardo DiCaprio is listed as one of the funny people on the promo. BANG!


Riiiiight. The only thing that comes to mind when I think of Leonardo Bi-curio (shout out to DDT) being funny is Carl Childers: Not funny ha ha, funny queer. I like those commercials they do where people call in to a call center to ask whether a particular situation is funny, and they wait to laugh until they get an answer. But I'll be damned if I'm going to watch some "star-studded spectacular" where a bunch of celebrities tell me what's funny. What kind of stupidity is that?

I've been told by a few people that I'm a pretty funny guy. But most of my humor is stolen from stuff I've heard, things I've seen on TV, etc. Every now and again, I get off a good one with the right timing and it's original as far as I know, but most of the time I'm repeating something and maybe making a slight modification. Then I feel kind of guilty if I don't credit the source. The question I've been asking myself recently is whether the mark of a true comedian is using the catalogue of original and unoriginal funny stuff in his head in a timely manner. After all, comedy is all about timing, right? I mean, I could say something simple like, say, "And so it begins" and that isn't stand-alone hilarity. But in the right situation, you could have people rolling with a comment like that. Certainly no one is going to the copyright office and saying, "I said 'and so it begins" the other day during a conversation with my co-workers and they all thought it was hilarious. I can't explain the situation because, you know, you had to be there, but I'd like to copyright the phrase and use it in my act on open mic night at A Thousand Laughs comedy club," right? Because that would be damned asinine. So why do I feel guilty if I don't tell people that the hilarious comment I just made has been sitting in the outbox of funny in my head ever since I heard it the other day on Mind of Mencia?

I guess the idea of contemplating what is and isn't funny is an exercise in getting one's mind blown. My head hurts like hell right now trying to figure this out. Suffice it to say that funny is a situational thing, and if your timing is off you’re a complete douchebag, whereas if you say the right thing at the right time, it's a zinger. Strangely, my good sense of timing has never gotten me laid. All that crap about how women love a man with a good sense of humor really just means "I want a man who treats me like crap and has a large phallus."

Little People and Their Little Names

You hear the stories; urban legends, most of them. But now and again there's something that just tells you that one of them is real. Maybe it's a gut instinct, perhaps a friend of a friend knew the guy, or that one dude told you about it that you know for a fact has never told a lie because he's a 38 year old virgin by choice who volunteers at the nursing home changing diapers and you swear there's a halo above his head. It's the story of the funny name. One of those like the legend of the identical twins Orangejello and Lemonjello, or the chick whose name sounds like FlannEL PajaMAY, but it's spelled flannel pajama. Those are obvious BS, but now and then you come across that real one that makes you laugh your ass off for 5 minutes but then later you feel sorry for what the poor dude had to endure growing up. That little preamble is the introduction to tonight's Funny Names of the Week winner. We have a one name contest this week, folks because no one is going to come close to this dude. Frankly, I'm proud of him. If I had his name, I'd be in jail for killing my sonofabitch father, fuh sho'. Without further ado, I present to you:

From Garland, TX, home of one of the largest auto dealerships in the country, a new take on junior or "the second,"


Little Joe Vasquez

A Confession

My new job makes it increasingly difficult to update this thing. I will try to do so as often as possible to keep Bam sane and such. Plus, I know you're all clamoring to see what I have to rant about. News of the Weird keeps me in topics.

While we're waiting, here's a tip: Be honest. Quit all the bullshit and tell the fucking truth. You never know when you might be talking to someone who can see right through the merde to the real, evil you beneath.

Oh, and vagina. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing. I encourage women to look at theirs in the mirror and admire the beauty. Lucky cunts.