The End is Now - A Dirge

Twice in my life I have walked away from something that turned out to be relatively successful - at least, successful enough that I regretted my decision. Not that I regretted it to the point that I would necessarily change my decision if I could go back in time, but enough that I would seriously reconsider things.

I'm a married man, and it has taken me 10 years or so to learn only a tiny bit about what exactly that means. My preconceived notions about marriage were all centered on sex and companionship in a very general sense. I never even considered the notion of compromise in the sense that it would affect the very way that I defined myself. When I think about my wife, I am overwhelmed with love for her. I am overwhelmed by how blessed I am that this woman wants to even talk to me, much less that she wants to actually share her life, spirit, mind and body with me. She is the best thing that ever happened to me in a very literal sense. I had no motivation prior to her, so everything I have accomplished since we became a couple I owe to her. But that makes things that much harder.

I, like probably 98% of the American population (if not the world), had very different ideas about what I would be doing with my life at this age when I was a teenager. My dreams had nothing to do with managing 10 people in a call center environment and dealing with an "Office Space" daily reality. My dreams had nothing to do with going to work right out of high school to help support my mom and younger siblings. I never dreamed of having a mortgage I could barely pay and cars that were so upside down they needed wheels on the roof. I never dreamed that the main reason I wouldn't get enough sleep would be because the baby was sick and we had to stay up with her all night. But I never did anything with the dreams I did have, and never would have without my wife. Again, this is what makes things so hard for me. With my wife's support, I think I could have been something. I really think I could have realized my dreams on some level. I don't pretend that I would have been the biggest thing since freakin' Pavarotti, but damn it, I could have been a contender! Life is all about balance, man.

It's not that I'm some big nobody or that I hate my life. But right at the time that I found someone that would motivate me and give me the support I needed to make something of myself, I had to deal with the fact that her idea of what my success looked like was a completely different picture to what I had in my head. This wasn't something that was discussed, nor was it a solid, well-formed idea in my wife's head when we first met. On the contrary, she was massively supportive of my dreams in the beginning. It's just that women in general tend to love security, and I couldn't offer that. Now I can offer it and then some. I have damned good insurance, job security like a mother, and no desire to drive my wife crazy with wild dreams of rock (or any other kind of) stardom. But I'm seriously on the verge of tears as I write this.

I have mourned the death of my dreams on several occasions in my married life. But I realize today on this - the beginning of the first work week of a brand new year - that my dreams have truly died. It's time to grab the shovels and the quicklime and read the funeral Psalm. It's time to nail two boards together and pour out a forty on the ground. It's time to secure the toe tag and slam the drawer shut as the pipers play. It's time to seek an artistic outlet elsewhere in a way that doesn't keep me from spending valuable time with my precious family. They are, after all the best part of my life and nothing could replace them. Life is about compromise and sacrifice. The time has come for my children to follow their dreams, to believe that life is beautiful, fulfilling, and a place where everything is tailored to their needs and dreams. They will have to learn that life is more difficult than fulfilling, but it won't be because their father is a burned out loser that can't let go of the impossible dream. It won't be because I care more about my hobby than I do about them. I simply can't strike the balance; some people can.

What I wouldn't give to be one of them.