On Stud Collars and Tight Vinyl Clothing

From the Boston Herald, 8-7-05: Connecticut saddle-maker Mike Derrick, on why he set up a booth in Boston at the August Fetish Fair Fleamarket: He could spend six hours creating a bridle for a horse and earn $40, he said, but "make one for a human, $120."

Bridle - A harness, consisting of a headstall, bit, and reins, fitted about a horse's head and used to restrain or guide the animal.

I've never understood S&M. I've heard chicks on the radio who called themselves dominatrices, and they all deny getting their clients to the point of orgasm. I've got to figure they're bullshitting, but if not, what's the fucking point? Why would any guy want some hot, half-naked chick stomping on his balls for half an hour if it's not going to lead to getting a nut? Why would you want to get bitch-slapped, bridled, and belittled unless the payoff is a nice bukkake of the chick putting you through all that crap? Hell, I'd let my wife spray-fart in my dinner (props to Chappelle) and then sop it up with a biscuit if she'd just blow me afterwards.

Of course, this topic leads back to Freud. That asshat was completely off his rocker in a lot of ways. I don't dispute that he is the father of modern psychoanalyses and that a bunch of people have been helped because of his theories, but he was still nutty as a fruitcake. Although he recanted some if his theories later in life, admitting that he may have had too much of a fixation on sex (ya think?), he said it all boiled down to defense mechanisms caused by strong conflict.

Can somebody tell me what defense mechanism causes a dude to want his genitalia trampled by a woman in stilettos? Which one makes you want to be gimped up in a rubber suit with a fucking bridle in your mouth while hog-tied and a large Eastern European woman is giving you a Cleveland steamer? Because I want to avoid that one. It seems to me that crap like that should be treated and cured, not given an outlet. Which brings me to my next point: If you have those kinds of depraved desires, what makes you seek a dominatrix rather than a doctor? Isn't anyone scared anymore? How did Michael Hutchence get to a point where a regular, garden variety, Sunday afternoon orgasm didn't do the trick anymore? And how did that fact not make him seek help? I'd be scared shitless if I felt like I needed to hang myself to get a really good nut.

I hate clichés, but…it takes all kinds. At the end of the day, I guess that's true. After all, survival of the fittest doesn't only apply to animals. We have to weed out the weak genes in humanity, too. Getting a good nut stomping will certainly affect your ability to impregnate a woman, and if you aren't jizzing in the first place, well that's self-explanatory. Not only that, those damned curious kids would be getting into the bridles and gags and such, and we just can't have that.