Sex and the Shitty

From the AP: This past Monday, Pittsburgh, PA police caught a man having sex with a woman in the basement of a building he had broken into. He was charged with the break-in, she was charged with criminal trespassing.

This dude broke into a building, went and got the chick, and brought her back to the building to have sex with her. Wouldn't you rather get caught screwing outdoors than arrested for burglary? What the hell?

It has got to suck getting "caught" having sex. I was watching COPS one time, and they caught this dude just as he was about to bang this chick in the back seat of his buddy's Cougar. They asked him his name, and he gave them a fake. When they couldn't find any record of the name and he claimed not to have any ID, they questioned him further, at which point he finally gave up his real name. The dude had no warrants, no trouble of any kind, but he ended up getting arrested because he failed to ID himself to the cops. The arresting officer said he would have just told them to find a better place to get it on if the guy hadn't lied to him. And the chick was hot as hell! She admitted that she had just met him inside the club they were outside of, and that the name he gave the cops was the name he had given her as well. So basically, this dude wanted to bang the chick and then never see her again, so he gave her a fake name, and then didn't want to blow his cover when the cops questioned him. More power to him if he had pulled it off, but in the end he just went to the hoosegow with blue balls. Some poor, drunk little twink in the slammer probably lost o-ring to Mr. Fakename that night.

Coitus Interruptus – coitus intentionally interrupted by withdrawal of the penis from the vagina before semen is ejaculated.

Jiggy H. Cunnilingus, even the definition sucks.

I've only had one situation where my fun was spoiled, but I wasn't "in" yet, so it wasn't too terrible. And it wasn't the cops that interrupted us. I've got to figure that's the worst freakin' feeling in the world. Especially for the asshat in the Cougar. I mean, this guy was probably blessing the luck that had gotten him into that back seat and feeling like he was on top of the fucking world (literally!), and then one dumb-ass fib screwed the pooch. In my sick little brain, he had tried to pull off a one-nighter about 42 times, and this was the first time it worked. He mentioned to the cops being on leave from the Army, so I see him getting schooled by some of the older guys in basic on the proper methods for securing some part-time poontang. I imagine him trying out the new techniques for the first time with his new-found military confidence - you know that soldier's swagger? And then talking this hot horny little tramp out of her jeans, the passion, the sweat, the fondling, the wetness….. Where was I? Oh yeah, and then it all goes down in flames because the asshat couldn't think on his feet. I mean seriously, if this chick was dumb enough to get into that car with him, then it would have been nothing to convince her that he was just using his middle name or something. Or he could have just given the cops his real name, and then told the chick that he gave the cops a fake name because he was wanted in 4 states for subversion or some shit like that. That bitch would have been totally turned on by that; you know how those little whores like dangerous guys. Shit, I would have strung that 'tang along for another month like a fucking flathead on a trot line making her believe that I was on some top-secret mission or something. She'd be home pining away and writing letters to my "base" in Yemen while I was at the urologist getting a penicillin shot for the clap.

But alas, I am a one woman man. Which means I found one woman willing to let me climb on every now and then, and then I stuck with her like dog in copula waiting for the swelling to go down. Hey, I love the woman - what can I say?