That Guy at Work You Hate

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals….except the weasel.
- Homer Simpson

There's a guy here at work that is…let's see, how can I say this…he's an ass. An asshat. A shit-eating asshat. I hereby nominate him for asshat of the week. I know he won't win, but goddammit he deserves it. A man who asks the same questions on a daily basis deserves to be asshat of the week. A man who weasels out of doing any damned thing and keeps the mucky-mucks believing that he is the shiznit deserves it. A man who has 300 e-mails because he doesn't know how to use fucking personal folders in fucking Outlook DESERVES IT!! OK, I digress.

When you don't like your job, you don't strike! You go in everyday and do it really half-assed! That's the American way!
- Homer Simpson

This guy, we'll call him Damien, goes around telling everybody all day long how he has been here for 10 years, and how that (and only that) is what qualifies him to walk around all day telling people that he has been here for 10 years. Meanwhile, he celebrated his 9th anniversary in September (or Sebtober, as he calls it). Oh, and I already checked to see if he has any extra fingers or anything, and that came up empty. If you look up lazyfuckstick in the dick-tionary, his picture is prominently displayed on the lower half of the page. The next word has to be delegated to the following page because his goofy-ass image takes up so much space. You can't understate lazyfuckstick-edness, and you wouldn't want to with this guy anyway. The only thing worse than a complete moron is a complete moron who thinks everyone else is a complete moron. Look, stumortard (nodding in Wade's direction), your half-assed attempts at making yourself look like something more than the douchebag that you are have only served to alienate a majority of your coworkers. See, Damien thinks that the way you make yourself stand out is by making others look bad. The problem is that when you are a complete fucking stupid-head who doesn't know a schooner is a sailboat, you can't make anyone else look bad! The other person would have to be dumber than you, and that just aint gonna happen (I'm using language here that Damien would understand)!

Here's the cool thing, and I've seen this happen here before: The Company keeps putting him on higher and higher a pedestal, honing in the radar on him. While the lemming-minded masses are sitting around complaining that he gets all of this recognition, and while Damien is rejoicing in his buena suerte (nodding in Bam's direction), I am admiring the well-deserved spotlight shining on him. See, when you go into a museum and there is a fine sculpture sitting on display, there's usually something that sets it off. Whether it be lighting or an otherwise empty room (ahhh, Eddie's younger days), something makes the display stand out. That's why they call it a display. And as of November one, Damien is on display. His ass is sitting in the middle of an empty, white room with one light shining down on him. He sits there popping his Happyassitol pills with a big, goofy grin on the catcher's mitt he calls a countenance wearing a nametag on his designer shirt that says, "Damien – 9 or 10 years of service."

A wise man once said: I've learned life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders (Damien) was dead.

Damien, here's a Marlboro 72 and let me tighten that blindfold for ya. It'll be over soon.