Chateau LeFeet

Below is a story that's been circulating on the internet. Some are suggesting that it's a joke because the rest of the story is a list of possible names for the new concoction, some of which are hilarious, all of which are obvious jokes (or attempts at them).

Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item -- Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-$5 range. "While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, RI.

If this is true, the end of days is near, my friends. First of all, cheap wines already exist. Names such as Boone's Farm and Thunderbird are legend in the ghetto (and college campuses).

To quote Cheech and Chong: What's the word? Thunderbird! What's the price? Thirty twice!

Secondly, do we really need a professor of marketing to tell us that there's a market for cheap wine? Recent polls suggest that 97% of college students didn't know wine came in bottles.* And who hasn't seen the homeless dude on the corner surrounded by the totality of his worldly possessions holding a bottle-shaped brown paper sack? I had an uncle who drank rubbing alcohol once, for the love of Pete (Pete only drinks sake).
That Wal-Mart has made no attempt to improve its image in higher end markets is surprising. Even Home Depot has a hoity-toity version of its store called Expo. Even more surprising is that you can go into the most aristocratic of neighborhoods and find a Wal-Mart nearby. And Daddy Warbucks is in there buying his baby snob a new Power Wheels or getting a gift card for Vicente the gardener's Christmas bonus. Makes you wonder if the purpose for putting the store there is so that the landscapers and the nannies will have a place to stop for eggs and tortillas on the way home. I mean, my experience is that the place is always full of Mexicans; my people flock to Wal-Mart like catfish on stinkbait. They don't just go there to shop, either; they go there to work. There's more Browns at Wal-Mart than semi-retirees and retards, you just don't see them. They're either in the back unloading the trucks or they're building a new one 5 miles down the road next to the Starbucks.

The new Uncle Sam has a last name - Walton. I have to give him a huge percentage of my money, and he has me convinced that I can't live without him. I go to him for everything from diapers to deodorant to deli meat to diesel fuel. Coming soon – Wal-Teeth, the discount dentist. I have my mouth firmly latched on to his left tit, and he's picking my pockets and stealing my shoes.
One of the stores near my house is slowly becoming a city. I can see the sign: Wal-Mart, TX City Limits – Population: 42,342 – Superior Water Supply. Can you imagine a police force of toothless, greasy-haired trash wearing open royal blue Kevlar vests over their street clothes? People will be buying guns at the sporting goods counter, robbing express lane register 1,224, getting arrested in the 125 screen theater (the Waliplex) like Lee Harvey Oswald, and spending the night at the Wal-Jail. The courthouse will be a beautiful historic sandstone structure right in the middle of the store and capital offenders will be quietly euthanized with Walphine, the new drug developed by pharmaceutical giant Wal-Merck. Hot damn, they'll even have a Wal-ffle House for the truckers to meet up with their discount tranny hookers (those damned lot lizards can't be trusted, most of them are real girls).

*I made that up.