Get In My Stream
Coming Soon!
Ah, yes. There it is. OK, I'm ready now.
Holy crap. I just wrote a whole bunch of boring crap on here that made me laugh (I don't care about you) and its gone. Gone!!! Its nowhere to be found. I have hit the back button 42 times, and its not there. This sucks! No one makes me laugh like me, and my beautiful work is gone! Crap! I had some good stuff on there, I swear. It was a stream of consciousness thing about professional athletes, my debt, my boring-ness, old people vacationing in Texas, a metaphorical thing where I was a dog.... all kinds of good shit! Damn it all to hell!
I guess I'll try again. Here goes.
I am the most boring person alive. I'm assuming that the dead are categorically more boring than the living by virtue of their lack of animation (or any hope thereof), but I digress... See? It only took 4 seconds of my inner dialogue to make you want to sharpen a piece of rebar, sledgehammer it into the ground, and toss yourself onto it with dramatic effect (don't pound on the tip, it will dull it, making your death more painful. Tighten a pipe wrench on the side and hammer on that instead. Pipe wrenches are cheap at Ace Hardware, but who cares about the cost? You'll be dead, right?). Just be sure your will is up-to-date. I don't have a will. I'll let the government decide who will pay my bills after my death. I wonder whether its possible to write a will that will leave my liabilities to say, a pro athlete or a famous rapper. Those asswipes are always looking for something to brag about. I watch this show where they customize the crap out of whatever flavor-of-the-month "whip" is gittin' the most honey dips, and its always like "Nobody gots this shit! I'm the only playa in Philly with Lamborghini doors on a AMC Pacer, fool!" Dumbasses. Let them brag about paying my bills. How's that for something else no other playa has done? They turn those freakin cars into RV's for Pete's sake (that sake as in a Japanese alcoholic drink made from fermented rice, not sake as in a cause; account, behalf; advantage, benefit; purpose, aim, object), what with the TV's, DVD players, wetbars and such. Can somebody please tell me when RV's became cool? Please?!! I thought those things were rolling party barges for old people. REALLY old people. The kind that come down here to Texas every winter in big convoys and gather down by the gulf to play pinochle and square dance. You ask them what their favorite activity is, and they say get-togethers. What the hell are get-togethers? That term makes me think of my Friday night get-lucky sessions with the missus, not meeting up with the Murphys from Detroit for some bird watchin' and buttermilk-drinkin' (I'm assuming there are still old white people living in Detroit, although I'm not sure). Speaking of Detroit... I work for a major American car manufacturer, which gives you a 50-50 chance of figuring out the name of my company. The other day, I heard a commercial on the radio that was attempting to mislead customers of ours into thinking that we wanted to talk to them about buying back their recalled trucks and giving them "safer" vehicles. After calling the number and hearing the greeting for a competitor ( I won't say who, but it wasn't Toyota, Mazda, or Honda), I sent an e-mail describing my experience (along with a link to the very official looking accompanying website) to a manager here. Long story short, I got a call a couple of hours later from a marketing director at a regional office saying that our lawyers would be "taking care of it." Did I mention I love the hyphen (heh, sounds like hymen) and speaking parenthetically? Anyhoo, it's the principal of the thing. I mean, that crap isn't legal, its trademark infringement for the love of Pete (and his sake). Look at it this way, if I crap on your floor, give me a chance to clean it up. If it still smells like crap, then get another dog - make your own decision. It wouldn't be fair for my buddy Wade to tell you that he should benefit from your good home instead of me because I'll never stop pinching loaves on granny's good oriental (that's not a dude, its a rug), especially if he makes you think I'M the one giving you the suggestion! There's no connection between me and Wade! He needs to keep my name out of his dogdamned mouth! The moral of the story here is that all I've gotten so far is a thank you from marketing guy. But I'm a hopeless believer in "hope springs eternal" (you picking up on the irony there?). My hopeful side tells me the recognition is yet to come. My cynical, jaded side says the story ends here. If boredom makes you all go-to-the-potty-and-touch-your-naughty-place-repeatedly-until-it-elicits-a-messy-muscular-response, well then stay tuned.
Ah, yes. There it is. OK, I'm ready now.
Holy crap. I just wrote a whole bunch of boring crap on here that made me laugh (I don't care about you) and its gone. Gone!!! Its nowhere to be found. I have hit the back button 42 times, and its not there. This sucks! No one makes me laugh like me, and my beautiful work is gone! Crap! I had some good stuff on there, I swear. It was a stream of consciousness thing about professional athletes, my debt, my boring-ness, old people vacationing in Texas, a metaphorical thing where I was a dog.... all kinds of good shit! Damn it all to hell!
I guess I'll try again. Here goes.
I am the most boring person alive. I'm assuming that the dead are categorically more boring than the living by virtue of their lack of animation (or any hope thereof), but I digress... See? It only took 4 seconds of my inner dialogue to make you want to sharpen a piece of rebar, sledgehammer it into the ground, and toss yourself onto it with dramatic effect (don't pound on the tip, it will dull it, making your death more painful. Tighten a pipe wrench on the side and hammer on that instead. Pipe wrenches are cheap at Ace Hardware, but who cares about the cost? You'll be dead, right?). Just be sure your will is up-to-date. I don't have a will. I'll let the government decide who will pay my bills after my death. I wonder whether its possible to write a will that will leave my liabilities to say, a pro athlete or a famous rapper. Those asswipes are always looking for something to brag about. I watch this show where they customize the crap out of whatever flavor-of-the-month "whip" is gittin' the most honey dips, and its always like "Nobody gots this shit! I'm the only playa in Philly with Lamborghini doors on a AMC Pacer, fool!" Dumbasses. Let them brag about paying my bills. How's that for something else no other playa has done? They turn those freakin cars into RV's for Pete's sake (that sake as in a Japanese alcoholic drink made from fermented rice, not sake as in a cause; account, behalf; advantage, benefit; purpose, aim, object), what with the TV's, DVD players, wetbars and such. Can somebody please tell me when RV's became cool? Please?!! I thought those things were rolling party barges for old people. REALLY old people. The kind that come down here to Texas every winter in big convoys and gather down by the gulf to play pinochle and square dance. You ask them what their favorite activity is, and they say get-togethers. What the hell are get-togethers? That term makes me think of my Friday night get-lucky sessions with the missus, not meeting up with the Murphys from Detroit for some bird watchin' and buttermilk-drinkin' (I'm assuming there are still old white people living in Detroit, although I'm not sure). Speaking of Detroit... I work for a major American car manufacturer, which gives you a 50-50 chance of figuring out the name of my company. The other day, I heard a commercial on the radio that was attempting to mislead customers of ours into thinking that we wanted to talk to them about buying back their recalled trucks and giving them "safer" vehicles. After calling the number and hearing the greeting for a competitor ( I won't say who, but it wasn't Toyota, Mazda, or Honda), I sent an e-mail describing my experience (along with a link to the very official looking accompanying website) to a manager here. Long story short, I got a call a couple of hours later from a marketing director at a regional office saying that our lawyers would be "taking care of it." Did I mention I love the hyphen (heh, sounds like hymen) and speaking parenthetically? Anyhoo, it's the principal of the thing. I mean, that crap isn't legal, its trademark infringement for the love of Pete (and his sake). Look at it this way, if I crap on your floor, give me a chance to clean it up. If it still smells like crap, then get another dog - make your own decision. It wouldn't be fair for my buddy Wade to tell you that he should benefit from your good home instead of me because I'll never stop pinching loaves on granny's good oriental (that's not a dude, its a rug), especially if he makes you think I'M the one giving you the suggestion! There's no connection between me and Wade! He needs to keep my name out of his dogdamned mouth! The moral of the story here is that all I've gotten so far is a thank you from marketing guy. But I'm a hopeless believer in "hope springs eternal" (you picking up on the irony there?). My hopeful side tells me the recognition is yet to come. My cynical, jaded side says the story ends here. If boredom makes you all go-to-the-potty-and-touch-your-naughty-place-repeatedly-until-it-elicits-a-messy-muscular-response, well then stay tuned.
posted by Mitch/Mike at 9/26/2005 01:45:00 PM
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